Hey guys! 34th Blog post!
I haven’t blogged for a long time, but you know that when I do, it’s probably about something worth reading. Anyways, I believe I owe all my friends an apology for not being the usual self I am during the past 2 weeks.
First of all, apologies to all those whom I’ve blocked out of my private after sudden notice, those that I dao-ed on whatsapp (amounting to over 500 messages), and those who I’ve worried in real life.
I shouldn’t have acted the way I did, but I’m really sorry I didn’t have enough strength to control my emotions and allowed them to hover around me like bad energy and affect everyone around me. I know many of you are confused/ worried/ scared/ upset and I feel a responsibility to explain everything to you guys since I’m better.
To set the context, I’m a person who over-thinks quite a lot. It usually doesn’t get out of hand because I’ll become too busy to overthink but somehow over the last 2 weeks I had too much alone time that I did not put to good use and that led to my thoughts flying all over the place.
The core reason for the emotional struggle was the thought and belief that I had no one to confide in. It may seem like “HAR” to you guys because I indeed do have many many friends and I love all of y’all but to confide in someone is different. I don’t exactly have a friend that I can tell all my struggles and my friendship issues and to hangout with. Okay so it began with that and from then on I kept feeling like a large part of me is missing. Then I started to question all my friendships and began to feel very insecure about them. (P.S. The whole forgetting birthday thing didn’t made me angry okayyy. It was just that you know when you are feeling very down and upset, then everything bad that happens you overthink it and me being a sentimental person made things worse) But anyways, everything inside of me began to feel very lost and confused towards friendships and the meaning of it.
Following that confused me, a best friend of mine blocked me on her private. And when I found out I was devastated and I began to feel even more insecure because I relied a lot on her emotionally, and she was the person I confided to the most. Losing her friendship was very very scary for me and that very day, I felt so emotionally weak to handle friendships that I wiped out my insta private and tried to reduce as much contact with my friends. I stopped replying to messages and only texted few.
That may have made many people confused as well but during that period my spirits were so lost I just wanted to push everything out, including friends, so as to create some space where I could breathe in and realign my feelings. But that was a wrong move because I believe that left many of my friends more confused and I truly apologise for that.
After that incident I kept on soaking in my thoughts which grew darker and darker because I had no one at all to confide in and I was dealing with all the struggles alone, which made it worse. Yet, at the same time, many started knocking for an explanation as to what was going on and why I was behaving the way I did. I shut the door on them. That made matters worse.
But finally when I went to my grandma’s house to celebrate my birthday on a saturday, I told her all the problems I was facing. And at last when I could finally confide in someone, the tension was lifted (It’s like when you cut a balloon and the pressure immediately disappears as it deflates) and YES I poured out so badly. And poured out as they sang the birthday song again. But yes that was the where this entire situation was reversed.
From there on, I slowly found my pacing. She made me realise how I should not overthink so much. Friendship is something that is pure but I made it so complex which made myself so confused. I need to stop defining friendship and trying to give it a description because it isn’t something to be drafted with terms and conditions but sometime to be held on to with meaning and conviction.
Anyways, I hope this post conveyed my apology to each of y’all that was hurt/affected. I’ll be sure to check-in with y’all my close pals soon. Don’t anyone of you give up on our friendship ah.
Sending virtual hearts and hugs…