“If you’re reading this. I hope you find the strength to get through whatever it is that’s causing you so much internal conflict.” –Transcendent Eye
Hello and yay I’m at my 33rd blog post!
[Warning that this blog post may be pretty emotional.]
Anyways, I have many thoughts going through my mind recently. Many of my emotional struggles have been penned down on my journal but I felt that my blog sphere deserves it’s share too. Hence, I turned on my computer, opened the page. But, my mind went blank. It seems like I do have things I want to express, but it’s not exactly forming words.
It’s alright. I play some music. More comfortable, I guess.
I don’t know if anyone reading this feels anything like this. To put simply, I feel like I have tension or conflict within myself that needs to be resolved. This tension comes from many different aspects, and many different layers. I know that I need to resolve it to move on, but I don’t. Maybe because I am not sure whether it’s a good idea to face the tension, or maybe because I don’t see my emotional ability to resolve/ manage it, I chose, or am choosing to avoid it. But I know that doing so will hinder me from moving on. This is the struggle structure going on right now.
Recently, I’ve also realised that I don’t have anyone that understands me well anymore. At most stages of my life, I had someone. But at this juncture, there is no one. Well, I mean there are few who understand me 80-90%, which is really amazing and I’m grateful for, but no one that I can completely pour out to/ understands me without me speaking much. Of course, I don’t demand/expect one of such person constantly by my side but it felt warm to have one.
As a result, I often find myself backing away from crowds. To be honest, I’ve never been a great fan of crowds though company is nice. As I spent more time with myself, soul-searching, comforting and letting the voices in my head speak and gently converse with each other, my entire being has been much happier and cheerful. It made me realise how much of an introvert I could be. In general, I grew to have more care, love and appreciation for myself that didn’t really occur before.
Going out with friends is something that has always been a huge struggle for me. I’ve came to realise that I become very lethargic after hanging out with friends because I need to spend alot of energy keeping up. This may be an abstract idea to most extroverts who are reading. That said, however, spending quality time with a small group (maximum 4, ideally 2) makes me very happy because I feel like that’s when the souls of individuals actually connect.
But through this period where I grew to take more notice of myself, I became more aware of what I should do more/ should do less of. I grew to love the starring into blank space Chelsea and the looking at rain and smiling at nothing Chelsea, as well as the Chelsea that goes to bed thinking about happy thoughts and finally the Chelsea that still likes pink even though the world deems it cheldish (heh.) I also fell deeper in love with the Chelsea who falls back to sleep even after repeated reminders to wake up at 7:30, and the Chelsea that procrastinates, as well as the Chelsea that fails her tests. “It’s okay, no one is perfect, you can be you”, I would tell her. I started to admire the Chelsea who still faces life despite being an embarrassment most of the time, and the Chelsea who still loves her maths and econs after failing those tests, because there’s no point loving a subject if only loved it’s grades, and finally the Chelsea who tries to keep her life going instead of falling apart.
Sending virtual hearts and hugs…